Okies...so after two days of being sick...today I am definitely feeling better. And how might you say, would I know this? I wanted ice cream...oh yea...last two days...no appetite and no ice cream...which is rare for me cause I love eating. Granted, I am vegetarian but I still manage to find lotsa yummies and eat my heart out...

So...tonight (back to my topic) after dinner I decided to have ice cream...and suddenly, I discovered that...

I actually do not have to eat half a container of Turkey Hill to feel satisfied!!! Hahaha...what a discovery because...no matter how many shocked gasps and exclamations on how much ice cream I can consume in one sitting, I always tell myself....yeah...I love ice cream so I eat a whole bowl with like 6 big scoops...big deal? Why are people so surprised and looking at me like I am a foreign creature?! Blame me for growing up skinny and my grandma obsessed with getting me fatter so she gives me bowls and bowls of ice cream whenever I want?? I love it....ice cream is my love and tho I am currently lactose intolerant...I have psychologically programmed my body to accept ice cream and not reject it from my body like milk. And so far...(knock on wood) its been delightful....I can consume as much ice cream as I want with no bad side effects. Hehehehe....

Anyhows....so yea...at my friends apt as I scoop out my bowl of ice cream...they are like....oh wow...ur going to eat all that? and at my fiancee's place, his mom looks at me and said...wooow, fong gum daw shu go? and me thinking....yea, but I eat every other night so it makes up for the fat intake...hahaha again, psychological rationalization...and I eat to my heart's delight.

Well, what happened tonight? Was it because I was so sick and my stomach shrunk? and it can no longer have such a big intake? (Yea...I wish....unfortunately, no....my stomach is still as big as ever and able to consume as much as my eyes tell me to keep shoveling into my mouth...as my brain rationalizes everything so that I feel happily eating....VERY BAD, VERY BAD!!!!)

Okies...so yea...for those of you loving ice cream as much as I do...here might be a little trick to cut back on ice cream in one sitting (hey, not saying this is much healthier...but heck....this way you can make the carton of Turkey Hill last for a week or so...or until the next sale week....hahaha) (oh...and again psychologically, your brain will rationalize that this is not as bad as consuming half the carton of ice cream as you are used to doing....)

So here is the deal: you only need a cup (like the dry flour baking measuring cups?) of ice cream... or even half a cup....put it in a nice small dessert bowl....then sprinkle nuts (postachios, cashews, almonds, etc....) and then add raisins or craisins or dried fruit...or frozen fruit....and then some cookie crumbs (graham crumbs, etc...) and enjoy with a big spoon! and maybe like me....you will feel very satisfied and guilt free....hehhehe


SO yea...just sharing my ice cream experience with ya!

Hmm...its been a long time since I wrote here...then again, its always like that with these pages, isn't it? We get excited and write like crazy on these pages...and then check it everyday to see who has read our thoughts...and when we get comments we start writing like crazy again...to get them to come back...hahaha...and then we become obsessive and keep checking their pages for updates...and so on and so forth until something amusing pops into our life that is better than semi-stalking other xanga writers/friends...and forget about the whole online journal and live our lives for real for a few months...and then when we remember...or when we get bored/excited we decide to write in it again...
or like some of us...maybe we have moved on to facebook/myspace/linked...etc...

But I think each of these is just a way for us to "connect" with friends...or maybe each of these is a way for us to "stalk" our friends...hahaha or maybe sometimes it just to show a little of ourselves or cover ourselves in ways so to direct others perspective of us...
Or maybe we have thoughts we want to speak out loud but no one has the time to actually sit and listen and so writing it down and letting them peruse in their own time is better...and we just want to show ourselves in hopes that someone or ppl out there get what we are saying...and then we feel good that we do connect with some people out there amongst the billions and zillions...

I must say...I was some and all of the above...I have things to tell, I have things to show and I have things to hide...but at the same time I want to know, I want to be connected with people and I want to learn more...

Gosh...thoughts, thoughts...I dunno sometimes I feel like I have this brain that just doesn't stop or rest...its constantly churning and bringing in thoughts, old ones, new ones, scandalous ones, inspirational thoughts, etc, etc...its NEVER FREAKING still...except when I am meditating...in which then I am worried if I am passing gas, if my stomache is growling, am I falling asleep and drooling or if I started to snore...hahaha...and then when I finally tired my body out then i am knocked out cold...and gosh, that is bliss...
and so you think...is death actually a kind of bliss? you don't have to think anymore....you don't have to exert yourself physically anymore...and you can just rest...

Of course, people say...oh death...oh death...its scary....but what is so scary about putting your body to permanent rest? You shouldn't feel anything, you should be able to think about anything...you just out...and you don't have to care about anything anymore because you can't do anything about it...so you just let everything go....

So maybe its not really the death part...maybe the afterdeath part...where you are still thinking but then your powerless to do anything...and you can still feel and see and hear but then everything does its own thing...and we can't do anything about it...and so maybe the loss of that little control we think we have on our life...and the no order of things is the thing that really scares us...

Or for me...seeing the way my grandma is going through pain and depression and irrationality is what scares me the most...where I am physically there...but i am suffering pain both emotionally and physically....seeing my family toil over me....or when I go into bouts of craziness....
I think that scares me the most....if I die peacefully or by a freak accident, at least I am not causing turmoil and such to ppl around me and just dragging life on....but if I end up becoming a burden...oh gosh, how bad is that? I would say that is worse than death by so much more it can't even be compared...

And then...after life...eh, who knows? romantics...would like that thought....and would like to at least have a little story to predict whats going to happen like its all according to some kind of plan...we like things somewhat organized though we know its in disorder...the scientists would want proof on life after death and of course nothing can be really concretely prooved...just "miracles" but are they miracles or just strong human beliefs in trying to explain something and then taking anything as a sign of a concrete proof?

haha...but gosh...this wasn't even the topic I wanted to ramble about...it just came up...gosh...see, my brain has no sense of order...but does your brain have it? if so...please share...I need to somehow try and concentrate and make thoughts flow easier...

I have been called random...and I guess people view it kind of negatively but then its like...eh...my brain is random...I can look at a leaf and think of twenty million things that the leaf brings up...its not my fault...its the way my brain chemicals react...like I see this road I am driving on...and boom....it goes from one thought to the next in only a short distance roadwise...
I thought about the days where my dad had to pick me up from school and drive me to the dentist to get my braces tightened...how I was so worried tongueing the loose brace in my mouth because, again...I was chewing gum and drinking soda (2 big no's no's for brace wearing ppl)...but never once did my dentist yell at me...he was so nice but at that time...I didn't even realize that...I was in my own little world that...oh my gosh I am going to get into so much trouble...and that I won't drink soda again after this time...but did I learn? nope...don't know how many times I went with a loose brace....a dislodged ring...and each time the dentist fixed it back...and 3 yrs later...TADA! my nice straight shiny white teeth and wonderful smile...which people had said...oh wow...you have a beautiful smile...

and...haha...its not even something I was naturally born with, was it? so...then I think...hmm...that isn't really me they like then...is it? It was sorta like ppl getting plastic surgery....I mean obvisiously these were my teeth and I had to endure pain to get them shifted in my mouth in my gums, etc...but I was never born like those heriones in my novels with this beauty...perfect features...and then of course the sympathetic ones would say...oh but who has?! everyone comes with a flaw or two...don't be so hard and fuss about it...

But...then when people say they like your smile...and its not really yours...then what?
I mean...imagine someone smiling with crooked teeth...do you think its a beautiful smile then? And then of course, the "morally" right people, the "wise" people will say...oh but the inner beauty is what created that beautiful smile...so you see the old lady with the missing teeth and wrinkles...oh her smile is beautiful...and I, 100 percent agree...but then you look on TV, Magazines, stories, pictures...and what are people showing you?
the imperfections on ppl? right...so then you ask why people are going for plastic surgery and ppl are becoming anorexic...and then you tell ppl they need to seek therapy because they are sick...and they are depressed...but then...no one has thought....maybe changing the environment that they live in will cause less eating disorders...cause less depression from trying to be perfect...and cause ppl to not use plastic surgery to solve issues...

Maybe changing some education methods...and writing things with less than perfect heroes can help people be ok with who they are...and then there is the other side...we want to make sure people try to aim for the best...to not be any less...but that is all in morals...not in physical appearance...oh but then why am I complaining? I am not...I am just thinking...I am not saying who is right...who is wrong...but I do feel sometimes...we are not finding the real source of the problem but we are merely treating the symptoms to a bigger problem...

And that was also not what I wanted to write about...hahaha...I just kinda wanted to talk about my crazy head...how one road evokes so many different thoughts and ideas...

Driving on that same road, I remember my childhood best friend and her mom...who drove us to a girl scout meeting...and we were playing at the troupe leader's big house and enormous backyard where we climbed up and down piping area...and thought we were so adventurous and such explorers...all while in the safety and eyes of the adults sitting on the porch...hahaha, fun innocent times...but yet...girls can be so mean...forming social circles already and trying to get each other to side with one...and already back talking and picking out the less than perfect characteristics of their "friends" and how in the world did little girl scouts learn of this cattyness? this meanful attitude and not even realize it? and thinking its ok...and then sadly, they grow up not finding out this is not an ok thing to think about or do...and you wonder...is it innate? or is it something we picked up as we grew up? because then...what can we do? just let it be? cause they are children...and hopefully when they grow into adults they will know better? its a curious thing for me...dealing with kids now I wonder...how do they know how to be mean? and not know it? or know it...but not control themselves? then again...no one is perfect, right? its ok....and its ok until wars start and millions die...because some individuals think they are better than the rest...interesting, isn't it?

And of course this is not even close to what I wanted to talk about...

I remembered the time where I took Kenny to the library...and we were rushing home so I can take my grammy to the heart doctor (oh yes...the cardiologist...) and I got pulled over...for speeding...>_< oh what a shame...45 in a 35 zone...not that I haven't drive close to 100 on an 65mph zone...oh yea...better believe it...I ain't no angel...or does that mean I am? I am not an angel...how about that? (excuse my english...it is my second language afterall...that I pretend its my first...)
but the police man let me go on account that I was still carrying my old license and not my new one...which I had forgotten where I placed it...and so asking Kenny to be my accomplice and not mention anything to my grandma and I will just secretly pay my ticket...to avoid getting yelled at...but then...why would I get yelled at? and is it so bad? but my family had this magical way of instilling fear in me for getting into trouble when I never got into trouble and where even if I did...it wasn't like a death punishment...just yelling and then that is it...I mean how bad is yelling, really?! Not like I haven't yelled and screamed...u kno? SO then it comes with....shouldn't children feel safe to go home and tell their parents everything without fearing? Shouldn't parents be understanding? and be wise enough to know that we are different entities and we will do wrong things...but that its something we need to avoid doing...but its ok? and then of course comes the idea that...if my child murdered someone...what should I do? and what if this, "its ok" attitude encourages kids to keep doing bad things...and then eventually leading them to commit something worse than a driving ticket? and so you wonder...what is exactly that line? the line where they can't go past...the line where enough is enough? the line where kids dare not pass and even as adults abide by and instill in their children?

And you guessed it...
its not the point...so then by 5 freaking xanga pages (and if you actually read up to here...) you are wondering what the hell is she rambling about?

Hahaha...just how amazing our brains are...and if just let them wander...they start to ask questions...and they start to broaden your thinking...and you start to think on your own...and you get to decide what is right and what is wrong....from the past...and from the present...and from what you plan will be your future...

these things don't have to make sense...life doesn't have to follow an order...and you don't have to be this certain somebody...but in the meantime...let us all walk around with shells...and direct our thoughts on one thing at a time...

but once in a while....even before you hit old age...just let your mind wander a little...and let your thoughts roam...

Haha...and even as I am writing this...I am glancing at those "taboo" novels next to me...you know...the ones where even as adults we are not suppose to really talk about loudly...well at least in asian culture...
hahaha...."sex" ooooh....shhhhhh.....don't say too much...its improper to talk about such things....and especially since you are a girl.....but geez. the sad thing is...we all think about it, right? hahaha...but ok...I won't talk about it...cause you know...I did grow up where that was one of the unmentionables....

=P

that is all...
meanwhile....my life is the same....lots of ups...and lots of downs....and not all times...I come out sane...but most of the time....I have collected my life together and keep moving...
more next time...

Taxes finally filed....
for some insane reason, I thought I had to file my taxes by the end of March to meet the April 1st deadline
SOOOO I was so stressing...to get everything done this weekend I almost got a tension headache
Now, I have this relief headache....>_<
yea....I am a retard

I think my old age memory is kicking in...

*sigh*

now back to my other deadlines....